I need to catch up on my Cookie Psychologist journals because I did not know Mint Milanos were formed this way.
You savor experiences. You are somewhat Zen. Except that you savor in a specific preferred way. That is less Zen.
You dream of a Mediterranean vacation.
You look down on those who prefer Oreos, but you might learn much from your more mainstream sandwich-cookie cousins.
You may feel some personality kinship to fans of Thin Mints.
Your tastes are offbeat and unapologetic.
You like genre films and are pretty stoked about The Hobbit and anyone who doesn’t like the guy they’ve got playing Thorin can go stew.
You dislike hoppy beer and wish the IPA trend would take a breather.
You enjoy cookies as a socially-acceptable alternative to injecting sugar directly into your veins.
You own plaid pants.
You have a tendency to overexplain. If you leave your parents alone with the Roku box, you might be surprised at what they figure out.
Your temperament is so mild that people get outraged when they think you’re insufficiently outraged.
You valorize authority, perhaps excessively.
You are such a slow adopter it cycles around to edgy again. While your hipster friends search yard sales for turntables and fixies, you spin vinyl and ride brakeless because you finally got around to opening those Christmas gifts from 1985.
In 2024 you’ll be catching up on Downton Abbey and marbling your nails and starting unexpected frugal trends of your own.
You are the kind of person who has a house full of lardy foods during the holidays yet somehow doesn’t gain a pound. When your fat friends and relations come to visit, they shiver in the corner, clutching empty Frescas while the arm’s-length crystal bowl of Jordan almonds screams their name. Next year maybe put out some carrot sticks or Dentyne to keep these guests from flipping out.
You will not have a mid-life crisis.
You have never had a sleep disorder. Your parents described you as an “easy baby.”
You crush at Scrabble.
You might be interested in the etymology and history of shortening, so named because of the “short,” crumbly texture it imparts to baked goods, which happens also to describe its abbreviated molecular composition. FOOD SCIENCED.
Hmm. You’re asking about oatmeal chocolate chip “for a friend”? You know as a licensed Cookie Psychologist I provide total cookie confidentiality. Here is my previous analysis.
As for your preference for Kitchen Sink cookies, it seems as if you are less interested in cookie and more interested in a vector for the world’s least healthy trail mix.
You enjoy the heady first month of a relationship but lose interest once the gas-passing threshold is crossed.
You have never tried meth because you had a hard enough time kicking Twix.
You hate haggling and pay too much for things just to make the other person shut up.
You can rock bright colors.
You are too old to still get commode-hugging drunk, but you do sometimes anyway.
Unlike a lot of store- and scout-bought fans, you are likely to bake these yourself.
You are DIY. You can fix a running toilet.
You are likely to approach most household problems with a hot glue gun.
You may be frugal to a fault.
You wear Chuck Taylors.
You think Taylor Dayne is underrated.
Just be sure to do the fork-pressed thing so you don’t give your sugar-cookie fan friends anaphylactic shock that is just rude.
Fair enough, young asldkh.
You have a rich inner life. You are as comfortable hiking the Sierras as you are playing Skyrim two days straight (and technically if you’re exploring Whiterun, aren’t you outdoors?)
You respect the critical distinction between stretch jeans and jeggings.
You have a more healthy and balanced relationship with your parents because YOU did the work.
Your plants live more than a week.
If you had a baby with a cold you would totally do that hardcore country mother thing where they put their mouth over the baby’s nose and suck the snot out and spit it. I have never done this but I hope when the occasion comes I do because that is metal as hell.
On a less revolting note…
Did you know you can make flourless peanut butter cookies? So as not to interfere with the decadence intense of your peanut butter cookie experience?
- 1 C peanut butter
- 1 C sugar (can decrease, substitute with fake sugar as desired)
- 1 egg
- 1 tsp baking soda
Bake 8 minutes at 350 F.
Then load up with some chocolate chips (or sugar-free as desired, me gusta Nevada Manna.)
I receive no compensation for promoting any of these consumables. I just really, really like fiber.
I refer you to the basic snickerdoodle personality principles, with the addition of a tendency to leave messes behind.
You are gleeful and enthusiastic.
You are overdue for a dental checkup.
You enjoy classic fashion and have never owned a pair of flares.
You are good-natured and loyal.
You shred your own cheese.
You prefer your debauchery to be slightly difficult to pronounce. You are pedantic about grammar and may have grammar-themed T-shirts.
You put up a front of decorum which belies a reckless, slightly masochistic streak. You plan meticulous, fail disastrous, and secretly love the spinning wheel of chaos.
You wear white to picnics.
You have only one pair of shoes that’s truly comfortable.
Your cardiovascular health is compromised.
You may contain peanuts.